My wife is hard on cars. I repeat, my wife is hard on cars. In the past five years I have bought her five cars, so we are looking at an average of a car a year. Statistics, however don’t tell the full story….some cars lasted more than a year, others a few months.
When we started going out, I had a little blue Ford Fiesta. She nagged me into giving her the Fiesta as it was a ”ladies” car…I was relegated to driving a beat-up 1985 1.8 Opel Kadett, which she refused to drive as she kept having breakdowns and getting stuck in dangerous areas. Funny thing is, in the two years I drove the Kadett, I did not get stuck once!
Did I dare make a comment? What do you think?
Getting back to Madame and her driving habits. I was told the one afternoon that some or the other idiot has broken the left hand rearview mirror off with a shopping trolley at the Mayville Mall. I was intelligent enought to say ” what an arsehole” etc, etc…but kept my thoughts to myself. You had to have a very tall shopping trolley and be moving at at least 45km’s per hour to smash the mirror right off. I got the mirror fixed.
My stepson told me a few weeks later that ”Ma reversed down (her brothers)driveway , not looking how close she was to the gate, promptly removing the mirror.
I decided to buy her a new White Fiesta a year later. I paid cash, saying ”Sweetie- here’s your car- all you need to do is pay the insurance.” She did’nt bother to do that. Nine months later, she decided to have a blackout and smash the car headon into some poor student’s wheels. No insurance…I kept my mouth shut. and paid for his repairs.
I then bought her a really cheap yellow Fiat Uno. Which she drove for a week before the engine fell off its mountings. Exit Uno.
Six months ago I got her a navy blue Corsa Light. Two weeks of driving…she brakes for a white car she says slammed its brakes on in front of her..all the other witnesses deny seeing any other car…she spins on the Ben Schoeman, hits a stationery Police Bakkie and some Indian Lady promptly rides up the Corsa’s arse. I said nothing…commiserated with my wife about these idiots in white cars on the freeway, and get another car.
Last week she was driving from a friends house late in the evening and swerved for a drunk black pedestrian
that ran across the road. She hits the pavement, tyre bursts, rim bends, cv damaged, shock stuffed.
I say nothing. I am just glad my wife is not seriously injured.
She wants me to buy a new Picanto. I want to emigrate!
Thursday, 04 October 2007
Monday, 09 July 2007
The Hound from Heaven
I may be giving away my age, but I can remember a programme on TV about dog training presented by an scary old bat called Barbara Woodhouse. She was one mean mama...not only the dogs in the house sat up when she commanded "walkies"...I had to restrain myself from looking for a leash and wagging my tail at the back door.
Anyway, one thing she never could do was train a pooch to pick up his own shit. My damn Boerbull dumps landmines in the most inconvenient places. He loves exploding precisely where my right foot is placed when I get out of the car. He must have some kind of internal radar! I step in dogshit every second day! Goddamn mutt!
I want the number of the guy who taught this hound in the picture to clean up after himself. He will be paid millions, I swear!
Wednesday, 04 July 2007
Monday, 02 July 2007
Marriage quotes
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
Prevention is better than...
A woman got bad news from her doctor. She had cancer.
"Well," she said to her daughter, "I have cancer. Let's have a martini."
After a few martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. They were joined by some of the woman's old friends. She told her friends: "I have been diagnosed with Aids."
After the friends left, the daughter whispered: "Momma, I thought you said you had cancer. You just told your friends you had Aids."
"Yes," she said, "but I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
"Well," she said to her daughter, "I have cancer. Let's have a martini."
After a few martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. They were joined by some of the woman's old friends. She told her friends: "I have been diagnosed with Aids."
After the friends left, the daughter whispered: "Momma, I thought you said you had cancer. You just told your friends you had Aids."
"Yes," she said, "but I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
Male vs Female
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, nouns are masculine or feminine. "House, for instance, is feminine: la casa'."
A student asked: "What gender is computer'?" The teacher split the class into males and females and asked them to decide.
The men decided that "computer" should definitely be feminine ("la computadora"), because no-one but their creator understands their internal logic; the language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory; and, as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because to do anything with them you have to turn them on; they have a lot of data but can't think; they are supposed to help you solve problems but they are the problem; and as soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited you could have had a better one.
A student asked: "What gender is computer'?" The teacher split the class into males and females and asked them to decide.
The men decided that "computer" should definitely be feminine ("la computadora"), because no-one but their creator understands their internal logic; the language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory; and, as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because to do anything with them you have to turn them on; they have a lot of data but can't think; they are supposed to help you solve problems but they are the problem; and as soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited you could have had a better one.
My wife is sometime's a man!
My wife,(who I love dearly- yes, she does read this blog now and again)is a normal, feisty redhead with definite opinions on the differences between men and women. I tend to agree with her about most of them except one.
When she gets sick, (especially with flu)she behaves like a man.Or rather, the classical feminine exaggeration of male patients behaviour.
She develops exaggerated symptoms...
a sniffle is pneumonia;
a cough is double pneumonia;
she suddenly speaks in a squeaky "sorry, but I am dying voice";
she refuses to take any medication: 'it came by itself, it can leave by itself';
she behaves like the Dying Swan in Swan Lake...lies on the couch, with remote in hand, barking orders for "tea, or coffee or something to nibble on".
She drives me nuts.
I drink my Med-lemon, go to work and infect everybody else. I wipe my nose and carry on with the job.
Women!!
When she gets sick, (especially with flu)she behaves like a man.Or rather, the classical feminine exaggeration of male patients behaviour.
She develops exaggerated symptoms...
a sniffle is pneumonia;
a cough is double pneumonia;
she suddenly speaks in a squeaky "sorry, but I am dying voice";
she refuses to take any medication: 'it came by itself, it can leave by itself';
she behaves like the Dying Swan in Swan Lake...lies on the couch, with remote in hand, barking orders for "tea, or coffee or something to nibble on".
She drives me nuts.
I drink my Med-lemon, go to work and infect everybody else. I wipe my nose and carry on with the job.
Women!!
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