Friday, 26 October 2007


Only in South Africa:
I was listening to John Robbie on the morning show on Radio 702 this morning when I heard a call from the chairman of the Traditional Healers Professional Assocation.

What the hell?

An association for Witchdoctors?

What's next?

National Association for Thieves, Conmen and Drunks?

Oh, yes...I forgot..we have one of's called Parliament.

When the Mother in law must go with on holiday....

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

Oh yes?

Friday, 12 October 2007

Bad start to a Friday morning......

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.

Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor bastard.

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

Monday, 08 October 2007

Idiot of the day

This is too much!!

"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away."

Some parents should get a licence to have kids.

Do not feed after Midnight

My eleven year old son was given a white mouse/rat last week by his uncle. Cage, food the works. Luckily for me ( or rather my marriage), he lives with my ex-wife so I had no explaining to do to my wife.

He visited me last weekend. When I went to fetch him at his mother's on Friday afternoon he spent a good five minutes giving detailed instructions to his granny as to the care of the rodent.

I dropped him off at five on Sunday afternoon. I chatted with his granny, drinking a cup of coffee. He asked her whether she had taken care of the rat. She said, "damn..He had better go feed the rat and give it water and food..she had forgotton all about it. He gave her a disbelieving stare and charged down the corridor to his room to save his pet. I heard him mumble something then he carried the cage into the lounge.

"Ouma, " he asked, "why is my white rat black?" He was totally confused. There was a black rat/mouse in the cage.

I looked at his granny and laughed. I asked her :"did you feed him after midnight?"

My son looked at me like I was mad. "Daddy, its a mouse, not a Mogwai!!"

I roared with laughter when the white mouse poked it's head out of the cottonwool nest. His granny had bought black mouse to keep the white one company.

God help them if these mice breed!!

Friday, 05 October 2007

Politically correct coffee?

I was in the SABC canteen in Auckland Park this morning, dying for a cup of coffee before a meeting I had driven in for, when I heard something that showed me how far political correctness had taken hold in the SABC.

Four white guys were ordering filter coffee. Three with milk and one black. The guy who wanted black coffee was insistent that the counter assisstant poured him a black coffee.
"Hey, please I want a black coffee!"
"No," said another guy, "don't be a racist, ask for coffee without milk."
"No,"quipped somebody else in the queue,"ask for coffee of colour"

Mass hysteria at this! Now that's what I call taking political correctness to a new height!!

Thursday, 04 October 2007

It's a dog's life

My mother has two Spaniels. One is a Cocker Spaniel and the other some other damn version. (as far as I am concerned, they are two brown, bad-tempered furballs).

The male has the irritating habit of greeting arrivals at the front gate with an earsplitting yowl, that does not stop until you get into the house. The bitch yaps continuously around your ankles, and finishes off with a ceremonial squatting pee next to your foot. Once she has watered you, mister will stroll over, sniff the wet patch and mark the spot.

I laughed like a drain last night.

Madam yapped, squatted and did her ceremonial pee.

Unfortunately for her, she took too long to finish her pee.

Gentleman Jim had a look at her, lifted his leg

and peed all over her back!

Damned if I do,damned if I don't

My wife is hard on cars. I repeat, my wife is hard on cars. In the past five years I have bought her five cars, so we are looking at an average of a car a year. Statistics, however don’t tell the full story….some cars lasted more than a year, others a few months.

When we started going out, I had a little blue Ford Fiesta. She nagged me into giving her the Fiesta as it was a ”ladies” car…I was relegated to driving a beat-up 1985 1.8 Opel Kadett, which she refused to drive as she kept having breakdowns and getting stuck in dangerous areas. Funny thing is, in the two years I drove the Kadett, I did not get stuck once!

Did I dare make a comment? What do you think?

Getting back to Madame and her driving habits. I was told the one afternoon that some or the other idiot has broken the left hand rearview mirror off with a shopping trolley at the Mayville Mall. I was intelligent enought to say ” what an arsehole” etc, etc…but kept my thoughts to myself. You had to have a very tall shopping trolley and be moving at at least 45km’s per hour to smash the mirror right off. I got the mirror fixed.

My stepson told me a few weeks later that ”Ma reversed down (her brothers)driveway , not looking how close she was to the gate, promptly removing the mirror.

I decided to buy her a new White Fiesta a year later. I paid cash, saying ”Sweetie- here’s your car- all you need to do is pay the insurance.” She did’nt bother to do that. Nine months later, she decided to have a blackout and smash the car headon into some poor student’s wheels. No insurance…I kept my mouth shut. and paid for his repairs.

I then bought her a really cheap yellow Fiat Uno. Which she drove for a week before the engine fell off its mountings. Exit Uno.

Six months ago I got her a navy blue Corsa Light. Two weeks of driving…she brakes for a white car she says slammed its brakes on in front of her..all the other witnesses deny seeing any other car…she spins on the Ben Schoeman, hits a stationery Police Bakkie and some Indian Lady promptly rides up the Corsa’s arse. I said nothing…commiserated with my wife about these idiots in white cars on the freeway, and get another car.

Last week she was driving from a friends house late in the evening and swerved for a drunk black pedestrian

that ran across the road. She hits the pavement, tyre bursts, rim bends, cv damaged, shock stuffed.

I say nothing. I am just glad my wife is not seriously injured.

She wants me to buy a new Picanto. I want to emigrate!